Relational Patterns
Quick Assessment
Know yourself. Grow from there.
Every one of us has a relational pattern. A way we respond to closeness, conflict, and connection that developed early and runs deep. Most of us have never had the chance to name it.
This assessment gives you a map. In around ten minutes, you'll gain genuine insight into why you relate the way you do, and what it might look like to grow toward something more secure.
Two ways to take it
Complete it online
The guided form walks you through each step and gives you a personalised summary at the end. You can choose to receive your results by email or simply reflect as you go.
Download the PDF
Prefer to work through it on paper, at your own pace? Download the PDF version to complete in your journal or to share with someone you trust.
What you'll discover
Here's what you'll work through:
Step 1: Notice your stress response. Recall a recent moment of relational stress. Your immediate gut reaction reveals your attachment system in action.
Step 2: Identify your pattern with others. Match your response to one of four core patterns — Anxious, Avoidant, Fearful, or Secure — and read what that pattern looks like in close relationships.
Step 3: Identify your spiritual pattern. Using the same situation, notice how you responded toward God, a higher power, or your sense of life's deeper meaning. Our relational patterns often show up here too.
Step 4: Embrace your starting point. Whatever you find, meet it with compassion. These patterns developed for good reasons. They are not a life sentence — they are your starting point for growth.
Awareness is the first step to transformation. Now that you know your pattern, you can begin the journey toward the secure relationships you've always longed for.
Thomas Kirven
GROWTH COMPANION
I'm Thomas Kirven. I live in Oxford with my wife Rachel and four of our five children. I am the founder and director of Grow for Good — a mentoring initiative for young adults navigating questions of meaning, identity, and belonging.
I'm trained in Relational Spirituality Coaching, a model that draws on attachment research, neuroscience, and spiritual formation. My faith is central to who I am and how I work — and I hold that openly, without needing it to be yours.
I work with a small number of people at a time. If you're wondering whether this is for you, the best next step is just a conversation.
If you complete the assessment and want to talk through what you found, I'd genuinely love to hear from you. Message me on WhatsApp or send an email.
Adapted from Relational Spirituality Academy™ based on monastic wisdom and attachment science for Grow for Good by Thomas Kirven.